Same Sex Attraction

In my family relations class this week, we focused on same sex attraction. It is a controversial topic, especially within the Mormon church. It seems that almost everyone is affected by this, either by a personal experience, or a friend/family member who struggles with it.

The class was very enlightening for me, as I learned the causes of it and the treatment for it. I think it’s important for us to be knowledgeable on the subject, as we choose to defend the definition of the family. My teacher taught us that as a counselor, his clients have had these experiences that usually attribute to having same sex attraction-

• Distant/neglectful fathers
• Over-involved mothers
• Molested

Plan of treatment-

• Stop the behavior
• Develop appropriate intimacy with the same gender
• Develop emotional regulation skills
• Go back to the basics of knowing you’re a child of God

In the treatment plan, it is crucial to rely on the atonement of Jesus Christ as a person changes their thought and feeling habits. It is only through Him, that someone can and will overcome same sex attraction. Another part of the treatment plan that is very important is to reconnect themselves with their Heavenly Father, and to realize their divine potential and who they really are to Him. Struggling with same sex attraction skews a person’s view of themselves, the people around them, and also of God’s role in their life.

They may be struggling with shame and guilt for having certain feelings/thoughts. Feelings of unworthiness, and uncleanliness may also be a burden for someone struggling with it. Same sex attraction is a great tool of the adversary’s, not only in trying to diminish a person’s worth, but also to keep spirit’s from receiving bodies on this earth. However, Joseph Smith taught that a person has power over satan and his angels, because of their bodies.

My teacher has had many people come to him who had the opportunity of overcoming same sex attraction, and being able to move on with their lives and having families of their own. This struggle is definitely a trial and a test of faith, and it takes motivation and strength to not only overcome it, but also to persevere through it.

The Lord will give a person too much to handle alone. But He will never give them too much to handle with Him. Despair, and hopelessness usually accompanies a person who struggles with same sex attraction. An innate desire to become a spouse and a parent, is in question and adds to the deep heartache. The only way to heal the losses, disappointments, frustrations, and discouragements, is to give it all to Jesus Christ, and let His atonement heal it all.

Women who love too much

In my family community and relationships class this week, we talked about intimate partner violence (IPV). We made a list on the board of how to prevent abuse in dating and also in marriage. Since this topic is unfortunately common, I want to share what I’ve learned and shed some light on it. The book “Women Who Love Too Much” by Robin Norwood explains the concept of women’s codependency on men. Codependency refers to the dependence on the needs of, or control of, another. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. The LDS church provides a love and sex addiction recovery program (ARP) for women. They incorporate the 12 steps with their sponsors into their healing. It is amazing to see the changes that take place in the members, as they let the atonement of Jesus Christ heal their wounds from their past. They finally start to take accountability for their actions and eventually their lives. They realize their wrongs and make restitution with those they have hurt or betrayed. They find forgiveness for their abusers and put them in God’s hands. They stop their addictions and find peace within themselves. As they seek the support, help and guidance of church leaders, members of the church, members in the group, and also their sponsors, they start to love and support themselves. Even though it is a difficult thing to experience, there is hope. Through a support group, the twelve steps, and keeping commitments, women who love too much can be alleviated of these weaknesses, and receive freedom in their lives. It is only through relying on the atonement of Jesus Christ that they can receive that freedom and truly heal.

A Woman who loves too much-

Relies on fixing a man, instead of healing the broken parts within herself

Often grew up in a dysfunctional environment

It is common to have been expected by her family members to fix them

Feels she doesn’t deserve or is worthy of being loved by a strong, kind, gentle man

Often is a strong, capable, smart, driven, successful woman

Has weak boundaries and let others control, manipulate or abuse her

Has relationships with men that are needy, unwilling to heal themselves and are dependent on her to fix them

Has dysfunctional, unstable, abusive, insecure, unhealthy, unsafe romantic relationships

Affairs are common

Has trust issues, particularly with men

Often were sexually abused as a child

Feel her life is out of control, so she has the need to put back together broken men

Is addicted to love/sex

Hides from the pain within herself through dating dysfunctional men, instead of taking the time to heal herself

It is common for her to go from one relationship to another, and not let the pain from a broken relationship heal with time

It is common to have ‘daddy issues’

On the website loveaddicts.org, they have information for women on how to heal their addictions and obsessions with love. The program is called Love Addicts Anonymous (LAA).  Below are the 12 promises that are associated with the 12 steps-

1.   I have a new sense of freedom because I am letting go of the past.

2.      I am hopeful about my future relationships.

3.      I can be attracted to someone without falling in love overnight, and I can fall in love without obsessing.

4.      If love does overwhelm me I do not act out in addictive ways.

5.      I can tell the difference between fantasies and reality.

6.      I do not have to control the ones I love nor let them control me.

7.      I experience relationships one at a time and I do not get involved with “unavailable” people.

8.      If my basic needs are not being met, I can end my relationship.

9.      I can leave anyone who is abusing me either verbally or physically.

10.  I do not do for others what they should be doing for themselves.

11.  I love myself as much as I love others.

12.   I look to my High Power for strength, guidance, and the willingness to change.

Happy Mother's Day!

I want to dedicate this post to my mom, since mother’s day is tomorrow. Recently, I’ve been thinking about the impact that mothers have on the world. I’ve also been realizing that I don’t need to be a mother, to have an influence on those around me. As a single woman, I still have the opportunity of nurturing others and have an impact on their lives. I am grateful for the women around who are nurturing towards me and so kind and patient.

One of my favorite talks about mothers was given at the 2007 General Conference, by Julie B Beck titled Mothers who Know.  In she mentioned that “mothers who know… desire to bear children, honor sacred ordinances and covenants, are nurturers, leaders, teachers, do less, and stand strong and immoveable”. Not only do mothers choices and actions affect their children, but also their communities.

My mom’s mother Nada Smith was an example of each of those qualities. She was a mother figure to me, and greatly impacted my life. Even though we were 60 years apart, she was my best friend. We have similar sense of humors and we always enjoyed our time together. She taught me the importance of the Temple, and she’s the reason I’ve made the Temple such a huge part of my life. Even though the pain of her death still lingers, the memory of her is still carried in my heart. I owe so much to her, and my goal is to carry out her legacy, through my faithfulness.

Elaine S Dalton in the April 2013 conference in her talk titled We are daughters of our Heavenly Father, talked about the importance of women. She mentioned, “as daughters of God we are each unique and different in our circumstances and experiences. And yet our part matters- because we matter. Our daily contribution of nurturing, teaching and caring for others may seem mundane, diminished, difficult, and demeaning, at times, and yet as we remember that first line in the Young Women theme- we are daughters of our Heavenly Father who loves us- it will make all the difference in our relationship and our responses.” Strong and capable mothers know that God is their Father, and they love others as He loves.

On October 2004, the prophet at the time, President Gordan B Hinckley gave a touching talk titled The Women in our Lives. He mentioned, “the women in our lives are creatures endowed with particular qualities, divine qualities, which cause them to reach out in kindness and with love to those around them.” President Hinckley always showed respect for women, and taught the significance of mothers.

This mother’s day is a bitter/sweet holiday for me this year, because I won’t be with my mom for it. She lives in Arizona, and I’m attending school in Idaho right now. She gave me life, and I attribute the woman I’ve become to her. Because of my mom I have red hair, green eyes, a beautiful and unique name, a love for music and westie dogs. She taught me the importance of service by giving me an example by giving of herself, time and energy to others. When people mention that they notice how important service is to me, I always attribute it to mom. Thank you mom for creating me and for loving me! I love you! 

I've made a habit of reading the most recent ensign as I eat my meals at my small dining room table. This week I have been reading the article Equal Partnership in Marriage from the April 2013 ensign. Here is a direct link to it-
http://www.lds.org/ensign/2013/04/equal-partnership-in-marriage?lang=eng


These quotes from the article really made an impression on me- 

"Latter-day Saint theology teaches that gender difference does not superimpose a hierarchy between men and women: one gender does not have greater eternal possibilities than the other.² As Elder Earl C. Tingey, formerly of the Presidency of the Seventy, has said: “You must not misunderstand what the Lord meant when Adam was told he was to have a helpmeet. A helpmeet is a companion suited to or equal to [the other]. [They] walk side by side … not one before or behind the other. A helpmeet results in an absolute equal partnership between a husband and a wife. Eve was to be equal to Adam as a husband and wife are to be equal to each other." 


"A marriage of equal partners is also one in which the partners help one another in their stewardships, indeed, are “obligated to help one another as equal partners.” This partnership extends to housework and childcare. President Packer has said, “There is no task, however menial, connected with the care of babies, the nurturing of children, or with the maintenance of the home that is not [the husband’s] equal obligation." 


"Social science research supports the prophetic instruction that couples who have an equal partnership have happier relationships, more effective parenting practices, and better-functioning children. Scholars have consistently found that equal partners are more satisfied and have better overall marital quality than couples where one spouse dominates. Equal-partner relationships have less negative interaction and more positive interaction. Moreover, there is evidence that equal partners are more satisfied with the quality of the physical intimacy in their relationship."

"Parents with high relationship equality are more likely to work together as a team in parenting their children. These benefits of partnership to marital relationships and parenting practices create a healthier environment for children, making them less susceptible to depression, anxiety, drug abuse, and delinquency."

I was staying with my friend and her husband a few weeks ago. On a specific day, she was working, and it was his day off, so he made it a point to make us dinner, and he had it ready for when she came home. I appreciated his thoughtfulness and effort in doing that for us. Marriage means taking care of each other, and meeting our spouse's needs the best we can. We will only receive a fullness of joy in our marriages as we put our spouse's needs before our own. Meeting their needs also means meeting our own needs.